The second summer intensive session for my Low-Residency MFA in Visual Studies is officially over. I have exactly one year until I graduate. I am moved out of the studio and all my stuff is piled up around the house. I’m exhausted and my stomach hates me for all the abuse it’s endured over the last 8 weeks. I’m going to have to start the decompression process now and I think it’s going to sting.
My heart and mind (and stomach) have been through so much since last December. During spring break, I had so much critical theory to read and write about, I didn’t have much space left for my mind to process. Over the summer, as I did repetitive tasks like sewing pillows and bolting cardboard together, I was alone with my spinning brain for the first time in a while and I went to some pretty dark places. My work was my therapy. Building my installation was cathartic and I’m never going to forget this summer.
While I’m still feeling raw, before the decompression starts, I feel like it’s a good time to share some things I learned or relearned this summer. Some lessons I’ve not been so good at actuating but I’m working on it.
So… things I’ve learned:
- Keep your secrets close to your heart. Secrets are an artist’s best tool and they are more powerful when they remain secrets.
- Don’t follow the crowd. Make sure you give yourself enough space to have a greater perspective on your surroundings and the people you interact with.
- Veer away from unproductive complaining. Follow the light.
- In the same vein, don’t just complain, do something productive with your frustration. You are your best agent for change.
- Recognize the difference between surface friendships and deep affection. It’s rare to meet someone who moves you. Keep them close, don’t let them slip away. The rest is nice but not meaningful.
- Recognize the difference between the kind of hard work that is motivated by passion, and the kind that is motivated out of a desire for competition and recognition.
- In general, don’t drink the kool-aid. If you do decide to drink the kool-aid, read the ingredients, really read them. Understand the ingredients for their strengths and weaknesses.
- Always love, hate will get you every time.
- Listen to your gut. It’s what propels your work to the next level. But you have to listen and then keep listening. Sometimes you aren’t quite ready to hear what your gut is trying to tell you.
- Ask questions that (may) have no answers. Keep asking them because the process of asking can reveal what is hidden or buried.
- Don’t be afraid. If you are afraid, open your eyes wide and jump in. When I used to raft, I loved being the bow paddler because I was terrified of the big rapids. If I was the bow paddler, I was staring my fear in the face and paddling right into it with all my might, and that felt amazing. So I want to be a bow paddler in my life.
Through this last year I have had ups and down for sure. It’s been really hard for me to accept that being a mom means I can’t throw every last cell of my body into my work like I’m inclined to do. I have to switch hats all the time and that’s challenging. I’ve learned to accept my limitations and understand that it means I can’t be my normal overachieving self all the time. And yet here I am, immensely proud of what I have accomplished thus far. Maybe I really can be a great mom AND kick ass in school and subsequent career.
I will now retreat into a dark corner, hug my knees, and self stem until the sting wears off.