Andy Rooney as a Pregnant Woman

Why is Portland so bad at making Mexican food? There is plenty of good meat and produce in this town, and there is no lack of taquerias, in fact, I don’t think I’ve seen a higher concentration anywhere else in the United States. But the salsa is always either made from really dry, bland, unripe tomatoes or more often, made from canned tomato sauce, you know the kind that your mother used to make watery spaghetti sauce with? The meat is always so greasy and the beans are nonexistent. And they always use pre shredded cheddar cheese, please spare me. What is that all about anyway? I thought cheddar cheese was from England. I got a rice and beans burrito today and there were no beans in it. No beans! Who would order a rice and lettuce burrito? I paid $6 for it. I can’t believe it. $6 for rice and iceberg lettuce wrapped in a tortilla with a tiny spoonful of sour cream. No sauce inside at all! None! This is not a burrito, this is a rice wrap. Please Portland, give to me a Mexican restaurant with home cooked pinto beans, nicely seasoned rice, and fresh salsa made from all the glorious tomatoes this town has to offer, with plenty of peppers and cilantro, we can take it. I’m begging you, look into your heart.

Did you ever wonder why 99% of maternity wear is designed to make you look like a fat hooker? All the blouses are tight and low cut. They make them so they stretch skin-tight around your boobs. I don’t want to look like a hooker when I’m not pregnant so why would I start now? You might as well go topless. Honestly, what a joke. Where are the maternity clothes for normal people? And the sweaters, all the sweaters I’ve seen are just a goddamn travesty. I have long legs so all the pants wind up being floods on me. Where are the maternity overalls? Where are the cute empire waist dresses, no not the ones that are skin tight and cut down to your belly button, the ones with room for your boobs and cute little floral patterns. And where are the slip on shoes that are both supportive and cute. And where is the active wear? Am I supposed to sit around on my ass and eat bonbons for 9 months? I need gym clothes, I need swimsuits I can actually swim in. The fancier maternity shops are made for small, skinny people (who apparently want to look like high priced call-girls), there are no shops for me. I want to look pretty but I guess I’ll have to spend the next 5 months in XL men’s sweat pants.


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