Allowing myself

All I can think about is what I’m going to do once I leave my job. And I have to keep reminding myself I’m going to have a small baby, and I don’t know how hard or easy that is going to be. I don’t know how much spare time I’ll have, if any at first. I need to allow myself some space, and to appreciate this new life. I need to realize it’s going to take some adjusting.

I want to have that spongy feeling again. The feeling where everything around you is inspirational. I feel it welling up now. I want to read, see, hear, feel everything. I want to think of a million ideas, some of which may stick, many of which will just be passing thoughts.

I’m going to allow myself lots of time to ease into my new life with my beautiful daughter. To figure out a rhythm. I’m going to allow myself playtime, because it’s the biggest thing I’ve been missing since I stopped doing much other than work and house stuff. I’m going to allow myself failures and I’m not going to let them get me too down. And I’m going to allow myself quiet time, to read or draw or just think. I’d like to walk barefoot in the grass, or smell pine needles, or feel the sun on my skin. I’d like to take pictures of things, let the camera help me focus on beautiful things around me. I’d like to stay up late with an idea burning in my mind. I’m going to allow myself these opportunities.

But for now, I’m going to try very hard to not get discouraged at work. I am almost done, I’m just antsy. I got some blank notebooks at Powell’s last night. I’m finding it difficult today to make the first mark. They represent a new beginning for me. I’ve been on a winding path for many years. A path to change my career. I tried to straddle both my old and new profession and the less important one gobbled up the most important one. I got so far off the path in some ways, I feel like I’m starting from scratch. I just need a warm up, something to get the ball rolling again. Time to take a deep breath and jump. I just want a place to spill out all my ideas and thoughts, away from my public blog, and in my own handwriting. My notebooks will keep me going through the last couple months at work. They will be my beacon.

I must do this for my daughter. I must show her that you can do what you love, that you don’t have to settle. That money isn’t as important as happiness. I want her to know hard work, when applied to the things you love and hold dear, gives great rewards.


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