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What I didn't eat

December 9, 2008

Ok, for over a week now I’ve been in a hormone tornado. I can’t stand it. I feel so, so awful. And as part of feeling awful, I feel like I weigh 5000 pounds. I weepily logged into my new Kaiser Permanente website tonight to see what they had in the way of weight loss motivation and just got more frustrated. Those programs are for people who eat processed foods and drive their cars everywhere. I’m so sick of hearing the advice to eat more fiber. Jesus, Mary and Joeph, pretty soon I’m going to have to start eating the house plants.

I take my lunch nearly every day. I have apples and blueberries to snack on, and in the morning I make myself a cup of sugar free oatmeal with organic raisins. I try to walk home from work once or twice a week, and even when I don’t, I’m getting 30 minutes of brisk walking in a day. We cook most of our meals and they are all generally healthy, high in fiber, made from good ingredients, lots of vegetables, type meals. I keep a journal of everything I eat so that I am accountable for the food I put into my body. Still I gain and I don’t loose.

I’m not saying I’m a saint, I really like food, and when my hormones are raging, I’m known to just give up and drink a bunch of wine, or eat a bunch of bread and brie, but really, is this what is causing this weight gain? I’ve been depressed lately, I know that’s got to be contributing. I feel sluggish and unmotivated and cranky all the time. My job is kind of torturing my soul a little right now. And I never make it to the studio. I’m moonlighting right now, but I spend too much time procrastinating. If I could just get home and put in a solid 4 hours of work, I could go to the studio the next day. I HATE that I pay rent on that place every month and I just want to give it up, but I have nowhere to put my stuff, so I just keep going how I’ve been going. I looking into storage spaces but I would save too little money for it to be worth giving up my space. I feel stuck, and fat, and sad, and yeah, oh yeah, here come the hormones. Yep, having a Mariah Carey kind of moment. OK, stop. Calm down, make a plan.

So what do I do? Maybe I should track the foods I choose NOT to eat, maybe that would be a better incentive, something that is rewarding rather than punishing. “Nope, I didn’t eat that sliver of pumpkin pie today. I could have, but I chose not to”. Or writing down how I got myself motivated to walk home when really I just wanted to sit on a crowded bus and mope about my sad existence. What I know right now is that I am one hormoned out puppy and I need to take it a little easy on myself, but maybe today that “taking it easy” isn’t going to involve a half bottle of wine. Maybe instead I’ll promise myself a half glass of port later and think about how great tomorrow is going to be. Does that sound like a good plan?