There is one week left of my program’s annual 8 week summer intensive. I’m hot, grumpy, and grumpy. And I’m grumpy. This morning, as I was walking out the door, my dog grabbed my skirt with her teeth and tried to pull me back in. I miss her. I feel like a burden. I love grad school but the struggle to get as much out of it as I can, and the pull of the rest of my life are hard to balance. I tried my best to keep everyone happy. I feel obligated to do that. Everyone tells you to really immerse yourself in grad school but family needs me too. I’m always doing damage control.
I want to lay in the grass and look up at the night sky and ponder at what a miracle it is that I’m even here. Instead I’m slogging it away. Trying to appreciate every minute of grad school, while at the same time being tortured with heat, and weirdness, and confusion, sadness, loneliness, angst. Someone said to me once, we are all stars. Right now I feel like a sweaty, bloated sack of mortal flesh… which I imagine feels nothing like being star stuff. I hope I get some laying in the cool grass, looking up to the heavens time soon.
On a plane ride
The more it shakes
The more i have to let go
Now the signals
Still getting all mixed up
We’re always doing damage control
But in the middle of the night i worry
It’s blurry even without light