The slow surrender

Here I sit, sweaty, tear stained toddler snoring on my chest. She’s miserable with pink eye. I’m assuming it hurts when she tries to close her eyes and go to sleep but doesn’t bother her otherwise, because when she’s not crying and clinging to me and keeping me from much needed sleep, she’s full of energy and wants me to play with her every single waking moment of the day.

Did that sound cynical? Yep, that would be one of the moods/emotions I’ve experienced on this current journey of surrender. Other, more powerful ones include the ever popular “cherish these close moments together because soon enough she won’t even want a hug” and the “this is what being a mother is all about, being there for them when they need you.” But I’m antsy. There are two loads of laundry in the basement waiting to be folded, and now that I think of it, there are still refrigerator items in her stroller from our walk to the grocery store. The current melt down happened two hours ago as we were returning home and I’ve been stuck in this chair ever since. I also have to pee really bad, I never got a chance to eat lunch, dinner needs cooking at some point, and I was really hoping to finally get some items out of my closet so I can get them to goodwill. Obviously thats not happening today. Last night the melt down began at 8:30 and I didn’t get to my own bed until 3am, only to be woken up again at 5:30.

For me motherhood has been a big, giant lesson in surrendering — surrendering little daily tasks that never get done, surrendering a defensive attack when my partner gets cranky that the house is a mess. Surrendering that I may not get a decent night’s sleep in quite some time. Surrendering that I have to pair down my goals and dreams. Lots of moments of surrender from my baby’s birth on out. Little ones and big ones. I’m assuming as long as I’m a mother, I’ll be in some state of surrender for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to end this post on such a glum note, because I’m not really glum about it. My cynicism isn’t sincere, it’s more like a past time. I do love that she’s got her arms wrapped around me right now. I love that last night as we were crying together and I told her I loved her that she said right back, choked with tears, “I love you too mommy, I love you too mommy.” Before she too surrendered and fell asleep in my arms. I even like that we both vaguely smell like a mixture of sweat and pee. She’s my baby and she makes whatever room she needs to. I’m her momma and I’ll surrender what I can to her without loosing too much of myself.

All this surrendering has got to be good for me. By nature I’m a fighter and a struggler. I’m learning to let go more.

Also, my left arm is very, very asleep.

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