Ghost in you

There seems to be a global phenomenon on facebook right now of digging up old photos and conducting reunions. I discovered photos of me from 1987 this weekend involving lots of hair spray, hair dye, black clothes, and black eyeliner. Sunday morning I awoke from terrible nightmares… reliving old feelings of being on a proverbial leaky boat knowing the bottom could drop out at any moment. Some of my past involves quit a bit of pain and sorrow, as I assume it does for anyone who was ever a teenager. Reliving things is a mixed bag and at times this weekend, I wished these things had never resurfaced. It felt like I was picking scabs, afraid of what might be uncovered, but sickly fascinated and unable to stop. Dear friends are dead, friendships long lost, much fat has been gained and much hair lost. After seeing some of these photos, I felt like going back to living on a diet of coffee with too much sugar, cigarettes, and plain cheeseburgers from McDonalds. I felt that old self destructive side of me wanting to resurface. I spent the day considering the past, making amends with my mistakes, and reveling in what an amazingly beautiful life I’ve ended up with. So although looking back is a bittersweet affair, it if nothing else reminds me of just how lucky I am now. I just really thought I’d be reminiscing with certain people who are now lost to this world, and with people who I once loved so dearly, but who have over the years crossed the line one too many times. It’s not a matter of forgive and forget, it’s a matter of getting smart enough to realize your life is better off without a few of those “friends.” I sure am glad relationships seem to get less complicated with age. Eric, James and Mark, you are still missed. Eric, you were a big part of my life for years and I’m sad you aren’t here for all this ridiculous reminiscing. Or maybe I give you more credit than you deserve because you are dead now. I just sometimes think it’s a miracle I got out of all that alive, and I know the odds were stacked against you much more than me, and I’m sorry you didn’t make it through to the other side. James, the world is a sadder place without you in it. Now let’s get on with our lives! There’s more ahead, and it’s hopefully less tragic than the past.