Dark, Black Cloud

April 7, 2010

I started crying yesterday on and off, by bedtime, I was just crying me a whole goddamn river. Not for any one thing, just from being sad. I woke up this morning and the crying continued. It showed no signs of stopping so I called in sick to work, washed off my face and got out of the house.

I’ve been working from home full time for over a year now. Things have gotten progressively busier at work, so some days I sit in this little room, all day long, staring at a screen, rarely going outside. I could managed it before I got pregnant. I had energy at night so I still had my art, I could get beers with Tom and be awake enough to enjoy them. Since the pregnancy, I have less energy, plus all the stress from the moving. So much to do all the time. So I had to cut out a lot of the things in life that gave me joy. I’m trying to focus my energy on work and getting the house put together. I miss art, I miss outings. Even on weekends we focus on house stuff. It’s just getting to be too much. I need a break. I need some fun. I feel like I have no life. Like I have no friends. I haven’t been able to work downtown with Tom for a while because 1. it took time to get Mississippi into daycare, 2. I wanted to ramp her up slowly, make sure the place worked out. It’s working out, so now I can leave her there for a full day and go work downtown with Tom. I’ll probably go on Friday. I think Thursday we’ll go out for some dinner.

I developed a sweet tooth with this pregnancy. I tried to be good, but I was having those Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches every day. I’d have a soda every now and then, not every day. but pretty regularly. When we went out, I’d have root beer. So now that i have to abruptly stop my sugar intake, I’m probably crashing a little. That’s probably contributing to my tears. That will fade quickly. I got some snacks to help me through. Nuts and whole grain crackers with no white flour. I went through one of my favorite recipe books and made a shopping list.

So I left the house. I went shopping at a maternity and baby consignment shop. I got some things I need like a bathing suit and nursing bra, plus some cute clothes for spring summer whenever the sun decides to show itself again. I went to Goodwill and found a rocking chair for $15. More importantly, I got out of the house. Now I’m back and I’m going to finish painting the baby room if it’s the last thing I do. I’ll feel so much better once it’s done. I’m so close now.

I’m going to get on top of this dark cloud. I have my swim suit, I can try out the community indoor pool close to here. I’ve got my yoga and I need to take Mississippi on more walks on the days she stays home with me.

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  1. Alanna, for sweet things with fiber, I love granola and also the freeze-dried fruits from Trader Joe’s (nothing added to the fruit) — my favorites are mangoes and strawberries (which is only 120 cal for the entire packet!).

  2. Hi Yvonne! Thanks, I’m not even messing with granola or dried fruit this month. If next month’s test doesn’t show high glucose levels, we’ll see, but I just want to play it safe right now. I don’t want to jeopardize my ability to have a home birth over a little sugar. I can live for 4 months without it. Decaf lattes are my friend right now.

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