Dark, Black Cloud

I started crying yesterday on and off, by bedtime, I was just crying me a whole goddamn river. Not for any one thing, just from being sad. I woke up this morning and the crying continued. It showed no signs of stopping so I called in sick to work, washed off my face and got out of the house.

I’ve been working from home full time for over a year now. Things have gotten progressively busier at work, so some days I sit in this little room, all day long, staring at a screen, rarely going outside. I could managed it before I got pregnant. I had energy at night so I still had my art, I could get beers with Tom and be awake enough to enjoy them. Since the pregnancy, I have less energy, plus all the stress from the moving. So much to do all the time. So I had to cut out a lot of the things in life that gave me joy. I’m trying to focus my energy on work and getting the house put together. I miss art, I miss outings. Even on weekends we focus on house stuff. It’s just getting to be too much. I need a break. I need some fun. I feel like I have no life. Like I have no friends. I haven’t been able to work downtown with Tom for a while because 1. it took time to get Mississippi into daycare, 2. I wanted to ramp her up slowly, make sure the place worked out. It’s working out, so now I can leave her there for a full day and go work downtown with Tom. I’ll probably go on Friday. I think Thursday we’ll go out for some dinner.

I developed a sweet tooth with this pregnancy. I tried to be good, but I was having those Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches every day. I’d have a soda every now and then, not every day. but pretty regularly. When we went out, I’d have root beer. So now that i have to abruptly stop my sugar intake, I’m probably crashing a little. That’s probably contributing to my tears. That will fade quickly. I got some snacks to help me through. Nuts and whole grain crackers with no white flour. I went through one of my favorite recipe books and made a shopping list.

So I left the house. I went shopping at a maternity and baby consignment shop. I got some things I need like a bathing suit and nursing bra, plus some cute clothes for spring summer whenever the sun decides to show itself again. I went to Goodwill and found a rocking chair for $15. More importantly, I got out of the house. Now I’m back and I’m going to finish painting the baby room if it’s the last thing I do. I’ll feel so much better once it’s done. I’m so close now.

I’m going to get on top of this dark cloud. I have my swim suit, I can try out the community indoor pool close to here. I’ve got my yoga and I need to take Mississippi on more walks on the days she stays home with me.