I’m feeling kinda rough. I just need a little love and reassurance. I need to know I’m doing a good job and I’m loved. Today I saw a happy light on sale for $40 at Costco and I just happened to have a $50 Amex gift card in my pocket. It seems like a nice thing to do for myself. I don’t know if it’s going to help, it was an act of desperation.
I have two more months to finish my portfolio work, write my introduction letter, talk teachers into writing recommendations, and all that other jazz. If I don’t get into grad school I don’t know what I’m going to do. I think a major purge is in order though. I feel like my belongings are a burden on my marriage. Im confused, scared, lonely, confused, and scared. If i don’t get in, I need to figure out what to do next. The way things stand right now, I feel like a loser. I’m fat and sloppy, I’ve hardly shown any work in Portland since juniper was born. I think Im a nothing. I feel like I’m going no where. Maybe I suck to be married to. Maybe I suck as a mother. I definitely suck as a dog owner. Maybe my art sucks. I just suck.
If I do get in, I’m placing a big financial burden on my family. I want to do this so bad but I don’t feel like I have a right to ask for it. it’s for the long term and I know what I want to do with it, but I don’t want to loose everything over it. I have too much to loose. But if I don’t try, I’ll be resentful for the rest of my life.
So as you can see, the happy light seemed like a good idea when I passed by it today, eyes bloodshot from crying while driving.
Two more months give or take of this torturous life limbo.